I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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