I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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