i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
