Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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