Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
