i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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