I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
