you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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