I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
