alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
