The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
My bed smells like the plague
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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