i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Four minutes until I can fart!
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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