OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
