i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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