I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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