She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
