I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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