I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
