I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
