Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Are my feet made of real feet?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
