Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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