whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
