I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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