it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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