Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
We just shotgunned beers for America
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize