watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
