"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
