i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
