she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
