she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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