Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Randomize
