My sheets look like a crime scene.
I think I died a long time ago.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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