Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
