just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
