My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
no you cant smoke seaweed
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize