I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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