I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
