why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My breasts were aching with rage.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize