Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
