Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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