a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
