phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
