and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
