Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
