I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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