I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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