next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
After tacos, we're chasing women.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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