I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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