Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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