Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
