I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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