My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
