Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
