If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
