The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
