I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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