They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
