Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
