I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
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