my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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